Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
