You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
