The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
