I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
