Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
