Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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