God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize
