I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
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