3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
There was a point where some of my friends attempted 'moi's', which stands for makeout on introduction.
It involved going up to women and very aggressively trying to make out with them upon meeting them
Surprisingly the success rate was exceedingly high
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
