so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
