I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
