a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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