Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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