Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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