remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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