If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
