u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
i just made my gag reflex go away.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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