Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
