Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
