I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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