so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
That reminds me...we need to get swords
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Randomize
