The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Randomize
