dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
