Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
