talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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