listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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