God, you're like boner-b-gone
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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