Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
