so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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