The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
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