Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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