Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
