We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
