Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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