Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
