you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
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