I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
