Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
The police scanner is talking about you again....
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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