drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
