Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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