god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
