I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I lost the right to judge tonight
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
