I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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