Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Randomize
