i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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