Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
