bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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