We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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