my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
