Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
