you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
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