don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
