1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
