I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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