Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize