I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
