I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
