I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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