Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
