If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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